Conversation with Children

Low self esteem can begin to develop early in childhood, long before the concept is even understood by the child. Most of the traits underlying our personality are developed in early childhood. This means that a child with feelings of low self esteem is likely to carry them into adulthood without realizing it.

A child with low self esteem needs help to realize that not everything is his or her fault. He or she needs to understand that no person can succeed all the time, that perfection is an ideal and not a goal. However, that does not mean that such a child cannot attain spectacular success in life provided he/she is given the right guidance and motivation.

Low self esteem affects a child in many negative ways:-

1) Becoming an Over-Achiever - Some parents may find this prospect as something to cheer about but be assured that prodding your child to get high grades all the time does not equal good parenting. Children with low self esteem often becomes over achievers because they feel inadequate and think that they will receive love and respect only as long as they keep maintaining their high levels of performance.

2) Addiction - Drug addiction, smoking and alcoholism are the most common signs of a child with low self esteem. Such children often turn to drugs and alcohol in order to cover up what they feel are their inadequacies. Children with low self esteem often build a fantasy world in order to feel better about themselves.

3) Vulnerable to Peer Pressure - A child with low self esteem is often susceptible to peer pressure. In their search for acceptance and attention and to avoid becoming victims of bullying, they tend to cave in to pressures from the “in” groups in order to belong to a clique that is viewed as being “cool”, even if it means indulging in unacceptable behavior.

4) Depression – Feelings of being unloved, worthlessness and alienation are a constant in children of low self esteem. They are often depressed and unable to express their feelings due to embarrassment or shame. Depression in children can manifest itself chiefly through Eating Disorders, Suicide or Hypochondria.

a) Eating Disorders – By now the terms- bulimia and anorexia – have become part of daily conversation. However, despite the awareness of these conditions by the public at large, very few realize the extent of self loathing that must exist in a person for him/her to embark on an act so contrary to the human impulse of protecting self from harm.

b) Suicide – Suicide rates among young people have been increasing steadily over the years and the constant pressure by parents, schools, peer groups and society in general to strive for and achieve higher and higher goals is difficult enough for a well adjusted child. For one with low self esteem, this can be intolerable.

c) Hypochondria – A craving for attention is a characteristic trait of those suffering from low self esteem and what better way to achieve this than by claiming to be suffering from a myriad of diseases. The fact that no one believes them after a time merely confirms their idea of themselves as being worthless and so they either look for other gullible audience or increase the symptoms of their imagined illnesses. In extreme cases, they have even been known to inflict bodily harm on themselves in order to get the attention they so desperately seek.

Why is it so urgent that people help a child with low self esteem? A problem like this is much easier to overcome at the beginning. For one thing, convincing an adult that he or she has low self esteem could be very hard. Moreover, childhood is the training ground where the adult is molded and shaped.

Surely it is our duty as adults to make sure that we do all we can to ensure that the generation following us is equipped, not just on a physical and intellectual level but emotionally and psychologically as well, to face the challenges of their age.

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“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.” - Hodding Carter

All parents want their children to develop into well adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of their character as for their professional skills. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes years of patient guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an abundance of love that is tangible to the child even during the worst periods in their growing up - and believe me, there will be many of those, before you can sit back and say with relief, “My work is done”.

Many people equate an abundance of love with spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not understood what the term LOVE means, especially as it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not:

1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid you would lose your temper or scared that your kid may not love you.

2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you are doing it for their good and if you don’t punish them often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons.

3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural heart aches that come with growing up - whether it is a friend’s betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not getting something deeply longed for.

4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or for any reason in order to control them and get them to do what you want them to do.

Love that is most beneficial to children is one that focuses on them and accepts them for the unique individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget this.

Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and limitations of each of your children and to marvel at their individual potential.

If there are no pre-conceived expectations, there is less pressure on the child and there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. When children sense that they are not being measured against their siblings or friends, their confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues and above all, they feel valued for themselves.

Learning to love our kids this way is one of the hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think in terms of “My Children” with the emphasis on “My” rather than on “Children”.

Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. Most parents are so concerned about being good parents that they tend to over compensate for their perceived inadequacies.

They tend to overlook the fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with warmth and understanding and parents whom they can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys.

How often do we hear the complaint that kids now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how much we have contributed to our children’s obsessions.

A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our love for our children will guide our parental instincts.

Problems arise only when we do not learn from our mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive their parents if they know or feel that their mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best for them.

Parents are only human - a fact that is often ignored by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want some time to yourself.

What is not alright is to let these feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be better if you explained to your kids that you are upset about something and that you need sometime to work through the problem.

Not only will the children be relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, they will probably try hard not to upset you further. Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of your distress and shows them how negative emotions should be handled.

Most parents have a hard time trying to decide whether or not they should shield their young children from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death - these are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, divorce, losing a job or home.

There is no guarantee that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner children are taught to face such situations with equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as adults, they have their own misfortunes to face.

Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting and provides some of our most precious memories. If we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal value system from a very early age, revel in their accomplishments and be a constant source of support for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job.

There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self improvement as we try to be more like the person we want our children to emulate.

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