Conversation with Children

North Carolina’s Attorney General Roy Cooper reported that MySpace, the web’s most popular website for teenagers, is also actively used by at least 29,000 registered sex offenders. My guess is that they aren’t on MySpace to share recipes or to discuss politics.

I don’t have to spin tales about how things in the modern world are far different from when we were teenagers; we already know they are and the statistics of the number of kids affected are alarming. But what some parents don’t know is how to effectively balance their teen’s privacy needs and our parental role of providing protection. Do you have a tough time balancing “need to know” with providing your teen “some private space?”

For instance, some parents feel unease, as if they are being sneaky or they are violating their child’s trust, to investigate their child’s activities on the Internet . As one who daily sees the outcome of some of these cultural influences, let me set your mind at ease about monitoring your teen’s activities, on or off the internet.

First and foremost, I believe that a child needs and deserves privacy, but he also needs to know that you as a parent will go to no end to find out what he’s into if it begins affecting his attitudes and behaviors. After all, what he’s into, or the hold an outsider may have on your teen through the internet, may ultimately harm both him and your family. He may be too embarrassed to reveal it, or he could actually be afraid or feel threatened.

Follow your instincts. If you feel there is something wrong, there probably is. If you sense there are secrets abounding around you, there probably are. If something tells you your child is hiding something, you’re probably right. But when it comes to the internet, more care must be taken even if there is no outright cause for concern.

Get a Handle on the Internet…Even if Your Teen Shows No Signs of Trouble

The internet is one of the top dangers facing kids today. More rotten stuff happens on the internet than any place on earth, and you don’t have to cooperate with it or allow any of that to come into your home. Here are some tips for parents to get the internet under control:

1. Make it a home policy that parents must know all electronic passwords. This gives access if needed. Have access to their MySpace account for your monthly monitoring (or better yet, don’t allow them on that site at all, which is the stance that some schools are now taking). Add yourself to their “friend” list to be able to roam around on their site. Make their profile private, so that only approved “friends” can communicate with them. A little monitoring goes a long way. If they refuse, disconnect or don’t pay for their Internet access.

2. Put a high-quality internet screening/blocking software on the computer. Maintain appropriate blocking levels on the browser software (blocking access to certain web content, links or photos) and don’t back down on that, even if your teen complains that it blocks some popular sites like MySpace or the music doownloads he wants to make.

3. Take the computer out of the bedroom and put it out in an open area with the monitor visible from various angles. Don’t allow access unless you are in the room. After all, would you let just anyone, even a registered sex offender, into your house to talk to your teen? Of course not. That portal to the outside world needs monitoring.

4. Periodically view their internet “browser history” and follow the trail. You’ll be amazed. Software is available to secretly record their every move, if needed, especially if you think they are accessing the internet overnight or when you aren’t home.

5. If you feel there is a good reason to do so, read their email. And find out who it is they are chatting with. As much as possible, keep them from accessing chat rooms, which is where most sex offenders and predators reside.

This is not a license to be over-controlling to the point where it pushes your child away. I’m encouraging you to be proactive and not have to face the regrets that come with “not knowing.” The fact is, kids are actively being stalked on the internet today and in their typical daring way they welcome the excitement of it all and they love role-playing in chat rooms.

If your children are young, implement rules now to help keep you “in the know.” As your kids approach the teen years, update or add some new rules. Unless something in your teen’s life is out of control or there has been a recent change in the behavior, mood, or school grades, then a parent should keep in the know by just “looking around” and keeping an eye on things.

Tell Them You Are Watching

All parents must “keep a vigilant eye” on teenagers today. Call it an “alert mom or dad,” or an “involved parent,” if you will. Be a parent who says, “I will continue to be someone who has your back, even when you don’t realize the serious nature of what you’re getting in to.” Let your teens know it is your job as a parent to keep your eyes wide open to look for anything going wrong. Not so you can “catch them doing wrong,” but so that you can help them from falling into that trap.

If things are really spinning out of control, then it is time to have a “change of rules” discussion with your child. This means you’ll be even more vigilant about monitoring. The teen’s response will be, ”YOU JUST DON’T TRUST ME!” And your response can be, ”It’s not that I don’t trust you…It’s that I hope to trust you more.” This statement tells your child, “I don’t want to control you, I want to be able to trust you, so use this opportunity to show me that I can trust you more than I ever have.”

I believe in privacy. I believe in trust. But I also believe in “being there” to be the parent God has called me to be. If I see anything that concerns me, then it must be brought out into the open, shared, and discussed. I tell kids that I sleep with one eye open. I’m always looking for something that has the potential to destroy a relationship with them. I tell them that I’m looking out for them because I don’t want any unwelcome thing to intrude into their life.

Written by Mark Gregston

Popularity: 10% [?]

Parents can consider themselves lucky when their children confide in them that someone – a friend, a relative, a teacher, or a church leader has touched them inappropriately or otherwise abused them.

Obviously, they are not lucky because the abuse happened, but rather because they found out about it and can therefore take action to protect their child from further assault and facilitate the healing process.

Unfortunately, children often do not tell their parents – or anyone – what has been (or is being) done to them and the abuse may continue for years unabated. Even those parents who focus on developing close relationships with their children, who make a whole-hearted effort to keep the lines of communication open, may never hear about the abuse their children are experiencing on a regular basis.

Parents make certain assumptions about what is happening in the lives of their children when they are under someone else’s care or are playing with friends under their own recognizance. They think they know what is going on and have reassuring images in their minds.

For example, when parents send an eight year old on a two week vacation to visit a favorite cousin they may imagine the two playing happily together the whole time. Upon return the child may report having had a lot of fun and family life may go on as if all were well. But appearances can be deceiving.

The reality is that many child predators commonly utilize a wide variety of methods to dissuade children from telling what was done to them. They know how to cover their crimes by exploiting children’s vulnerabilities. Much child abuse is systematic, planned, and deliberate rather than the result of a spontaneous loss of control. The predator’s plans often include determining which techniques and strategies will be implemented to make sure – absolutely sure – that the child never tells on them.

When determining which techniques to use, predators are not left to their own imagination and ingenuity. For decades, abuse victims have been reporting to mental health professionals that groups, rather then individuals, participated in the abuse. Some therapists have euphemistically called such groups “sex rings.”

Initially law enforcement professionals considered many of these reports to be merely unproven conspiracy theories. However, as the use of the internet has become more widespread, a predator subculture has become visible. While law enforcement watches, the predators interact online - sharing information, encouragement, validation, and images.

The widespread reports by abuse survivors of specific techniques lends further credibility to the assertion that information about how to silence children is shared throughout a predator subculture. These techniques, which often involve the use of terror, torture (that leaves no visible wounds), drugs, and hypnosis are carefully crafted and assiduously applied on victims.

The techniques typically include verbal threats of serious consequences to the victim and the victim’s family if anyone were to find out. The victim may also be convinced that painful consequences would result if the abuse is even remembered.

In other words, many predators have both the skills and the callous disregard for their victims needed to carry off what they may consider to be the perfect crime. No amount of training given to children about boundaries and inappropriate touch can prepare them for what these predators have in mind. Although such training is helpful in some situations, the primary responsibility for making sure that children are safe must rest with adults.

Although most parents do not have the resources needed to watch over and safeguard their children 24/7, they can take precautions that significantly reduce the likelihood that predators will be able to be alone with them. Such precautions would involve a substantial decline in the trust given to relatives, friends, neighbors and others who might otherwise have been given access to their children.

Here are a few examples of such precautions that parents may wish to consider:

1) Establish and consistently enforce a family rule that children may not participate in sleep overs or slumber parties in other people’s homes,

2) Do not allow relatives or others to sleep overnight in situations that would allow them to be alone with the children during the night,

3) Do not allow relatives or others to transport children long distances or take them on vacations alone,

4) Participate with children in outdoor camping rather than leave them under the care of others.

At first glance such precautions may seem overprotective, unnecessary, or even paranoid. However, when deciding how much to limit other people’s access to their children, parents would do well to remember three fundamental realities.

The first is that a lot more predators are out there than law enforcement has identified.

The second is that these predators ply their trade by exploiting the naivete and courting the trust of relatives, neighbors and friends who might give them time alone with their children.

The third is that many predators are emboldened by confidence in their ability to ensure that their victims won’t tell anyone – not even their parents.

It is difficult to consistently discriminate between good friends of the family and committed predators who are seeking trust to gain access to victims. Given the three realities above, a common sense way to deal with the threat posed by the predator subculture is to put family rules in place that protect children, such as the four suggested. With those rules no one need be accused or necessarily even suspected, and the children are safer.

Written by Jerry McMullin

Popularity: 8% [?]